How to Stop Spoiling Your Child

I read somewhere once that childless people are really good at criticizing others' parenting skills, but once they have children themselves, it's the last time they ever claim to know the best parenting solution. One area in particular people love commenting on is on how spoilt a child is and the way in which parents deal with the brat.

So, this article is both for parents of young children and all the single monkeys out there who will one day be parents.

Taken from MSN : Unspoil Your Child

How do Children get spoilt?
When parents don't teach their kids to accept "No" for an answer. Maybe the kid has been begging for an ice-cream before dinner for 20 minutes. Or maybe you're out shopping and they demand a new Bob-the-Builder toy. You don't want to spoil them, but you know if you don't give them what they want, all hell will break loose and they'll scream their guts out.

How does this spiral downward?
You start seeing the benefits of giving the child what he wants (no screaming + the ability to shop in peace / have your own dinner in peace) and your child starts seeing the benefits of throwing a fit.

This could slowly lead to disaster, where your child figures out that the easiest thing to do to get what he wants is to throw a fit (Personally, I would just whack the child. Give him a real reason to cry! But then, I don't have any children, so I'm entitled to obnoxiously claim to know the best solution :p)

Long-term implications
Your child doesn't learn to accept "No" for an answer and by extension, will not learn to deal with small or large disappointments now, and in later life.

It's not too far a stretch to see how a child who is given every new video game the day it comes out can develop into an adult who gets frustrated when he isn't given the corner office on his first day of work, notes Steven Friedfeld, a family therapist in New York City.

How to overcome this

Step 1: Acknowledge where the problem starts
One mother says that she grew up in a large family and wore lots of hand-me-downs, so to compensate, she now always buys her own daughters the most fashionable and expensive clothes for school. She realizes that it's more her issue than her daughters'.

Ask yourself a series of questions: Are you tired, overstressed, and trying to find a quick-fix solution? Are you feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your kids? Are you getting more of a kick out of this gift than your child is? Once you figure out what's driving your tendency to spoil your kids, you'll be better able to kick the habit.

Step 2: Set rules and consequences
Let's say you recognize a pattern: Your daughter refuses to sit still at the dinner table unless she is promised her favorite dessert. The next step is to come up with a rule and a realistic consequence — such as taking away TV or computer privileges — for her behavior, keeping in mind your child's age and tolerance level.

And make sure your partner's on board with the new plan; kids are experts at playing one parent off the other. Then, sit down and explain the rules to your child: "In our house, we get ice cream on Friday night if we have behaved at dinner all week. If there is whining for candy during dinner, you will lose the ice cream privilege."

Step 3: Don't justify your decisions
Instead of trying to reason your child into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion." If she comes back at you with, "Why?" remind her, "In our house, that is the rule."

And as your child repeats her "But why?" refrain over and over, keep this statistic in mind: A survey by the Center for a New American Dream found that kids will ask for something an average of nine times before the parents cave. So stay strong and repeat your simple "no" on the ninth, tenth, and eleventh entreaty. Eventually, your child will realize that her attempts are futile, and she'll move on.

Step 4: Resist peer pressure
When all their other tactics fail, children will resort to "But all the other kids have one!" There's no magical response to this, but you can talk to your child to find the root of the problem. Maybe it's a toy that everyone in school has, or a book everyone's talking about.

Tell your child that you'll consider if it's something you think he should have. If it is, add it to his wish list and come up with a strategy for how he can earn it e.g. calculating how much allowance he'll need to buy it (maybe he can save for half and you can pay for the rest) or as a reward for good grades.

Step 5: Brace yourself for the meltdowns
The first few times you stick to a new rule and say no, it will be painful — for you, your child, and everyone else within hearing distance. "There will be meltdowns at first, so react to them in a very calm and neutral way. If you hold to that line every day, your child will learn that this is not the way to get something that he wants, and he will eventually stop.

Step 6: Share the thrill of anticipation.
Anticipation builds excitement. Let's say you're planning for a holiday: The planning, packing, and talking about it gets you all fired up about the trip, so when you get there, your joy is magnified. When kids get things they want right away, nothing excites them anymore.

One of the best way to teach anticipation to children: give your child an allowance and let him save it toward the item he covets. Wish lists are also a powerful tool. Small children can draw or cut and paste pictures of toys they want; older children can make wish lists online. Limit the list. For example, only allow 10 items on the list at any one time. If your child wants to add an item, one item must be crossed off the list. This will help your child prioritize what he truly desires and also shows him that an item he couldn't live without in April may be less important in July.

Step 7: Indulge in non-material joys
Snuggle on the couch and read books, say "I love you" or pop a bowl of popcorn and watch a favourite TV show. Have weekly rewards for good behavior too. If your child has followed all the rules, share an ice cream sundae or do each other's nails. Remember, most kids would forgo another stuffed animal in favor of time with you. And that's something money can't buy.

Get Grandma on your team
Your children know that all they have to do is bat their eyes at your mom and that talking Elmo doll is theirs. How to get your parents with the program:

Set Limits
Ask the grandparents to limit the number of Christmas or birthday gifts.

Get Collegiate
Ask your parents to be moderate in their gifts. If they would like to make additional contributions, ask them to consider starting a fund or a trust for your child.

Request the gift of time
Encourage your parents to spend the day with the kids at the botanical garden or baking cookies together, instead of buying them a giant dollhouse or stuffed animal. Remind your parents that your children love them, and not just things they give them.